I Want a Husband (or A Cursory Exercise in Satire and Hyperbole for the Benefit of my Students)

My wife and I have been together for twenty years - all of them good and just getting better.

For my wife, it surely has been easy to stay married to me, as what woman in their right mind would not want to be married to a super-intelligent and witty international male model/teacher/fireman/humble public servant? While I love her and all the things that she does for me and the kids, there are just some things she does and/or expects that as Peter Griffin would say "really grinds my gears."  To ease these duties and frustrations, maybe I should find myself my own husband.

I want a husband who will be the primary bread-winner for the family.  My kids have a different relationship with their mother (my wife) than they do with me.  This is probably because while she was home witnessing all those "firsts," bonding with the children, taking naps, and watching Rachael Ray, I was working three jobs.  Could my wife had made more money in her one job than me, the teacher working three? The answer a resounding "yes!"  But we all know it is the father that needs to bring home the bacon as the majority of Americans reject the idea of the mother going to work more than an infant would reject my nipple for breast feeding.

I want a husband that will toil and do all the physical labor around the house. I would be happy to give my husband the "Puss in Boots eyes" that my wife used to give me when we lived in New York and there was snow on the ground.

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There she would be, watching out the window, giving me a thumbs up or I 💘  you hand signals while I was out moving literal tons of snow for hours.  My reward for doing this was a cup of hot chocolate, a "thanks," and a back that ached for days.  If my husband were to do this for me, I would make sure I got off the couch and helped a little bit by at least applying salt to the walk and driveway (but he could still scrape the inches of ice from the car windows).

I want a husband that will fix things when they are broken.  One time, I had just gotten done working my typical 80 hour week while also answering fire calls during the wee hours of the morning, and my wife informed me that our new dryer was no longer working.  While it was still under warranty, it became my job to fix because my wife didn't feel like waiting around all day for the repairman to come.  

My nice quiet Saturday night turned into a miserable evening of removing screws, and clamps, and belts, just to diagnose the problem.  What made matters worse was that once I did figure out what might be wrong with the dryer, I had to find the part.  If I had a husband, he could have done all of this for me, and then put Humpty-Dumpty back together again while I watched football and read the paper.  Seriously - what do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

I want a husband that will deal with my wife when she acts like this if she sees an insect in the house:

 

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Considering the both of us grew up in New York, and have traversed some of the toughest neighborhoods that New York City has to offer, one would figure that 6mm domestic house spider wouldn't stand a chance - yet this is never the case.  My husband could dispose of it by putting it outside or simply just kill it, while I attend to more important things like reading while reclined on the couch.

I want a husband who will take care of this nonsense while I am trying to sleep:

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Seriously - there is never anything there that is worth getting out of bed.  Furthermore, getting back to sleep just never seems to happen afterwards, while my wife snores in peace knowing that everything is safe.  While I am on the subject, why is it that I have to put my life in jeopardy if there really is something dangerous making that noise?  Moreover, what am I supposed to do about it anyway?

I want a husband that will be the responsible one and do all the driving.  If we are going to the store, I do the driving.  If we are going out to see a concert, I do the driving.  Going out for dinner and a couple of cocktails with friends - guess who? Or how about all those 1,300 mile trips to and from New York.  How many miles do you think my wife drove? If you answered "0" you would be correct.

I will allow my husband to be my personal chauffeur so I can have sleep on those long trips over-the-road, or play games and text on my cell phone, or have that glass of wine with dinner at a family get together.  My husband will also let me listen to what I want on the car stereo without complaint, and drive as fast or slow as I deem necessary to get me to my destination when I want to get there.

Since polygamy is frowned upon here in Florida, and I don't want to leave my wife, I guess I am stuck with the life I have.  I could go on and on, but unlike my wife I don't have the luxury of leaving my work at work.  Hence, I don't have the time because I need to grade more blogs. Oh the joys of being a man!

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